About Self Compassion

A student is failing in every test that I have given to the class during the whole semester.  I also notice that the student is sick.  He had some bizarre behavior in the classroom.  In a 55-minute class, he would walk out of the classroom and went to bathroom 2-3 times.

About 2-3 weeks ago, I received an e-mail from Dean of the Students notifying the instructors including me that the student have a medical issue, asking instructors for making conditions helping the student to succeed.

Then few days ago, the day before the third exam, he walked into my office.

The moment he walked into my office, I told him that I know why he came to my office.  I told him what I can do and what I cannot do.  What I can do is to reopen the quizzes that he can take again to make up some of the grades.  But I told him that I would not send him to the next level chemistry class because he will not succeed in the next level class.

He agreed and thanked for my consideration and generosity.  Then he began to tell me his story, with tears rolling down his face.

“ Dr. Chen, I like to tell you I am not the person you are looking at now.”  reflecting his deep pain inside of him.

“Since I moved out of my parent’s house, I wanted to show to my parent, and my friends that I am capable of being an independent adult, I work 50 hours a week to pay my rent, my bills, and my tuition. Thus on top of 50 hours-week of work, I also register as a full time student. “

“I used to be over-weight, I had a poor self body image.  In order to reshape my body image, I work out excessively, and at the same time, I began to eat less, to the extent that I become a compulsive exercise and compulsive eating disorder. Over a short period of time, I lose excessive weight to the point I blacked out one day behind the wheel; that was the time I was diagnosed with severe eating disorder and compulsive behavior”.

“The reason that I need to go to bathroom so frequently is that I have severe bladder issue; if I do not go to bathroom, I would have accidents.”

The student has been seeking help from medical doctors and therapist.  Obviously, he is seeking the way to heal his compulsive behavior.

“How is your relationship with your parent? “, I asked  a probing question.

“Distant”, he said.

“ Do you have close friends ?”  I asked.

“No.”  he said.

“ Find your supporting tribe, or get an animal”.  I said, “ Loneliness does not heal;  in order to heal, one must connect to others, either a  friend, or a pet such as a dog or a cat.”

I continued to tell him about self-compassion.

“ There is no need to prove yourself to anybody.  Just because you exist, and you are here, you are already loved.”

I told him to love himself just the way he is.  His body image is fine.  If he can have self compassion, he might be able to heal his compulsive behavior.

This short conversation turns out of my first coaching session.